My part of happiness.

I don't know what made me turn but so I did unknowingly.He was right there infront of me.I stared for a minute or so.So did he. There were just too many words unspoken.Its weird how the person I used to know too much once now stands in front of me as a compelete stranger.Tears welled up but never fell.It was as if I turned into a statue or something.
No, this is not him.I tried to convience myself.
He is dead to me. He was not heartless like the person infront of me. He was someone who cared about people around him not this guy who is the meanest and the most selfish person I have ever came across.He was someone whose eyes always reflected truth but this person is full of lies and totally hollow.He was someone who could go to any extent to see me smiling.But this person doesn't even bothered when I stood completely miserable and helpless.With much difficulty I managed to collect all the shattered parts of myself and was prepared to move the other way.
Then came she.And it all came back again.She looked at me as if she had defeated me in some world war. Not having any idea what to do,
I ran away.From the person who never cared.

And from the girl who had my part of happiness.

Lulled to existance.

And as I sat there aimlessly, the realization of breathing lulled me to existence.But the lullaby was not in any manner soft or sweet. It was loud.And harsh.And hard.

Its been too much of me not knowing myself. I was drowned so much in others life that I forgot that I too had one. The only problem was I cared too much, I guess. STOP CARING- I heard myself saying but it was all the way too much difficult! How do I not care when people I love are crying? Maybe they never care and always find me there when they need me but I can't help it.I don't even remember what I have been doing  and what I want to do and whatsoever.To live up others' expectations I have completely lost myself.All this is too much for me to take in.I struggle to think of one thing I did which I really wanted.

It then started to drizzle. Half drenched I forced myself to walk back to my room and take a nap, Dreaming that things will change in the strange ten hours.

And I woke up next morning to the same sun, same routine, same lullaby.And I know the same realization will come back to me again.Someday.

Seven days.

Monday:
Life asked me-"Hey girl! You need something?"
I said:" Nothing at all! I am happy with whatever I have."
Life walks away.Amused.

Tuesday:
Life again comes to me gaily-"So, Changed your mind ,huh?"
"Not yet."
:)
It walks away a bit disappointed but more like amused.

Wednesday:
Life is back: "Soo..."
I am like-"Noo...."
=)
Totally disappointed.

Thursday:
Life-"Do I have to ask the same again?"
"Only if you want."
"You in need of anything?"
Yawns.
Laughs.
Goes away.

Friday:
Life-"Back again!!"
:)
"Okay. Bye."
A bit pissed off.
Saturday:
"???"
"I told NO "
Totally pissed off.

Sunday:
: |
"Yes.I do want something."
"Go to hell! Can't you see its sunday? HOLIDAY.Then it will be monday yet again."
:'(

Stupid it was.And yet we complain life never gives what we ask for.
Moral of the bakwaas story: Never say no to life.

Over.

"Sorry"
"You wont let me live, will you?"
"I said sorry."
"Wow!Thanks for that."
"Thanks for such response."
Tears.More of them.

1 second.
2 seconds..

More than like 1 minute.

"I am changed"
"That is very clear"
"I am not myself.I overreact."
"Yes you do."
"How am I supposed to understand what are you when I dunno what I am?"
"Then don't."
"Goodbye."


*OVER*

The amalgam truth.

There are just too many versions of so-called truth & of the so-called lie.The human capacity to lie looking directly into the eye making others believe its nothing else but truth astonishes me.One may say lie for the selfish sake and one may lie to keep up someone's heart.
Strange enough, No one has lied to me enough to level how much I have lied to myself so far.I always lie to myself everything will be okay when I know only a miracle will help. I always tell myself "I care the least" when i know deep inside nobody cares more than I do.The lies are just too many to ennumerate.Some are awkward,some are promising.
When people know they themselves are their most devoted,most ardent betrayer, why do they expect others to be truthful to them?
Truth itself is the biggest lie.

I love you.

I love you. No, I don't love you.I hate you. I hate you for being what you are.I hate you for being so much provoking.I hate you for looking all the way handsome when all my hair resembles is haystack. I hate you for understanding everything which floats above my head.I hate you for making me feel like a looser when I know I am the winner. I hate you for looking so tempting when all I can look like is a ghost. I hate you for being perfect at almost everything when I still don't have any idea what I am I good at.I hate you for making me jealous every time I  caught a girl's eye staring at you.I hate you when you flirt with some other girl when someone who loves you is right here! I hate you for making me think of you every single night.I hate you for making me act stupid when i caught you staring me. I hate you for giving that so alluring, so enchanting smile after that.I hate you when you try to talk to me and I(inspite the fact that i want to say too much) find myself incapable of uttering a single word.

Lastly, I hate you for even after you have given me so many reasons to hate you,I still love you.

Desire.

Desire is at the same time the shallowest and the deepest ocean.It does evaporate but it never rains.
But somehow the ocean is always full.